15. The final step and being passionate again

Or: I fell, I got up and moved on

Heart flare

Here I am, finally at the end of my journey. Looking back at a stony, hard, sad and emotional way. It took a lot of effort, a lot of tears has been shed, a lot of energy has been drained and a lot feelings I experienced throughout my journey.

I was energetic when I started to draw. At this time I knew I’ve found myself again. I knew that my journey was over. That I finally had something to look forward to after all these struggles with myself. It feels selfish to dedicate 15 drawings to myself and my experiences. But this is the only way I can express myself.

This very drawing here was my last piece of a big puzzle I had to put together. After I finished it, it was like something lit my glowing spark again. I had this spark in my heart. It was there, all the time. But sometimes when you’re going through a rough time, you think you’ve lost your passion, your joy for something you’ve loved to do before, what you’ve always found relaxing. This is exactly how I felt during this time. I really thought I had lost my passion for art. A horrible feeling that I don’t want to experience anymore. I love to draw, to paint, to craft, to decorate, to take pictures. I always enjoyed all these things and suddenly, from one day to another: gone. This passion was (kind of) erased out of my heart. I really couldn’t understand why, couldn’t understand myself, couldn’t understand anything around me.

You start to ask yourself so many questions but the only solution is: don’t give up, try to move on and try to do something about it, try to find answers. I’ve tried hard, I failed sometimes but I got up and tried it again. Over and over. Several times I felt like I would pretend to be an artist, that all my art was a lie. But only slowly I could see and understand why I felt like this. It wasn’t me, it was my disease that changed me, it was my medication that made me feel like I would be someone else.

With this drawing I was on the right medication, everything felt right again. I had the energy to do art. I even went out for a little walk and took pictures, I enjoyed this feeling to be happy again, to feel happiness. I wasn’t able to for a long time. It was more like being something/someone in a big, dark hole, staring at myself, trying to find a way out. The only exit was always there: I only had to look up because there was the way out. I only had to take the harsh way to come out of it. I needed to make the effort, I needed to motivate myself, I needed my energy for myself and most important: I needed to accept me.

And now I feel good. Not awesome, I am fine. Smiling away when I see beautiful things, stopping to enjoy Mother Nature’s wonderful show like a rainbow after rain, heavy storm, a bee on a flower or a spider spinning her net (even if I hate spiders, but outside they’re doing a wonderful job!). All these little things I enjoy again.

This journey showed me many things of myself and revealed a lot of my feelings.

Thank you for reading and walking with me.

My medication varied from 25mq up to 100mq. It took a long time to find the right medication. The character change I experience with 100mq. This was the worst time in my journey.

My name is Conny, I am and artist and I have Hashimoto’s thyroiditis.

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