4. Fear of failing

Or: I can’t let the fear win


As soon as I started after 2 days of recovering from a massive migraine, I wanted to draw again. I couldn’t just sit around and do nothing. I wanted to draw and explore my inner feelings or even fears.

I feared to fail in my process of being an artist. I was just at the beginning of my journey. And fearing that I could possibly fail, that feeling was strong.

To sit down and actually facing a certain fear requires a lot of effort but I wanted to solve this issue. I opened a paint program, took the pen in my right again and all the colours were flowing onto the white nothing in front of me. I was in my process and I couldn’t stop. It was a good feeling full of excitement and I enjoyed it. All the fears were gone and I realised that I didn’t lost my ability to express myself. I think that was a turning point. This particular day, that was it, my strength was growing to face my fears, to face myself.

All the colours that I used in this drawing were melting into a kind of creature, my fear had a face. It was actually there and tried to scare me. But I could see it now and I wasn’t that afraid anymore. Finally.

I only tried to take everything in at this moment. Tried to understand myself why I was like I was at this time. I couldn’t understand myself.

But I had no idea what kind of feeling were coming next.

I really had no idea…

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