Or: Struggling with myself and finally seeing light
I started to draw with a graphic tablet about 5 or 6 years ago. I really can’t remember the exact year anymore. It was a no-name graphic tablet and for me it was something exciting and new. But at this point, I was scared to use it.
I named this drawing “Inner Fight”. The reason why is so simple. I was asking myself: “Am I really an artist? Am I really a creative person? Or was I just doodling my whole life through? Did I lost my passion for art?” I had a look over all my photos, pictures, drawings, paintings and crafts. I never found an answer to it. Until this day.
I clicked on a paint program, took the pen in my right hand and I was scared by the bright white on my monitor. A blank white shining nothing in front of my eyes. I felt unease by staring at it. Was this the turning point of me, myself and my art? I didn’t know it, only could know it by trying it. So many thoughts were going through my head at this very moment. I decided to open a picture that wasn’t good enough to upload anywhere. I put black, blue and white over it and selected the option “to fluidise” in the menu and started. There was it… this feeling of being in a process of… creating. This process isn’t easy, it’s not that any art is just popping out of anyone. There is a process, a feeling, a thought behind all of it. For me it was overwhelming. I couldn’t stop to draw, I forgot everything around me. A feeling that I have missed for so long. The only thing that stopped me was my stomach, telling me to finish this and get some food with a huge resounding “please”.
I finished the drawing, went straight to the kitchen, grabbed some food and when I came back I was staring at the monitor. There it was, my answer. It was well hidden inside of me. I am the answer to my art. I always was and always will be. It was something I have lost and in this moment I recovered it.
The colours in this drawing are simple and yet so meaningful for me. Black represents my darkness, my thoughts and everything that covered up my ability to express myself through art. Blue is my colour for sadness. Indeed I was sad about myself, about the whole situation in private life and about my past. White, the colour of light, a light at the end of a deep, dark tunnel. I saw this light, I was nearly there, at the end. And I saw the face at the right top corner of the painting, it is me and I am looking at myself. Like a mirror.
When I now look back at this time, I realised that it was normal to question yourself at a certain time in your life. It seems to happen to everyone. I was relieved that I found my passion back. It was just glimmering somewhere in me, I just needed a spark to relight it.
I continued to draw with the graphic tablet, of course. I created more drawings and more feelings. My way of expressing art.